Day 45 – Farewell India

Today we got up very early in the morning and went down to the Amber Fort to ride some elephants. We were hassled like never before while buying tickets; but the two Japanese ladies in front of us got it worse, seeming unable to say no properly. Euan came to the rescue with a torrent of Japanese, both allowing them to ignore the salesman and also take delight in a fellow Japanese speaker. We winked at Euan, nudged Euan, and said no more.

Then we rode the elephants. They felt leathery to the touch with sparse, long hairs. On the way up salesmen tried to accost us even atop our new epic mounts, offering photos, prints, hats, and the same damn wooden carvings we’d seen a million times before. The two Japanese ladies once again got in trouble with a print seller, and without any directions otherwise the elephant driver slowed down to maximise their hassling experience. Once again unable to say no, they looked at us helplessly as our elephants, and those behind us, overtook them, one by one.

At the top the drivers asked for tips, however since there was a sign that said ‘No tips‘ and they’d already not given us some of our change, we ran away instead, saying no in as many ways as we could think of. On the way down we made a mockery of the hasslers. “Why would I want two hats?” asked Josh in mock incredulity as a hat salesman desperately and stubbornly tried to force his wares upon us.

We made our way home and have spent a lot of the day napping to recover our lost sleepy times. Then, as if to mock us, it rained. Glorious, cooling, Rajasthan rain. On our last day. Epic trolling, India.

Will gives India a 8 and a rating of “Post-Colonial”

Euan gives India a 9 and a rating of “Livestock Everywhere”

Josh gives India a 6 and a rating of “Buyers Remorse”

Kieran gives India a 8 and a rating of “Mind-blowing”

Day 44 – Erry’day I’m Hassling

Today we made a last ditch attempt to tan, roasting ourselves in the garden and later, in Will’s case, on the roof. Yet no matter how much heat we endured, the results were pitiful.

Kieran was mobbed by several locals whilst strolling to the ATM, demanding to know why he was so rude for not talking to them as soon as he saw them, and had a forced chat with them. At this point they asked where his other friends were (meaning the rest of us) including ‘the Japanese one’ and asking if we needed rides anywhere. Since we’ve never met these fine gentlemen before, it seems word has gotten around about four walking purses that need hustling. He then offered Kieran a ride, Kieran declined saying he had no money. “Fuck off,” the man replied, apparently deeply offended by the idea he would charge money, despite the obvious fact that that is what he would have done, sooner or later.

But at least there’s delicious dubbed Jackie Chan films and Every Movie Starring Colin Farrell for us to enjoy in peace.

Day 43 – I Don’t Know Why, He Swallowed A Fly…

Today Kieran swallowed a fly which he subsequently choked up in the sink. For reference it was something like this;

Later on Intestine Cat met his biggest fan, and they had so much fun together Josh had to clean him.

Day 42 – Tiger Fort & Cobra Fort

Today we convinced a fine local gentleman to take us up to a mountain fort for a price that was small for us but nonetheless a total rip off because we’re foreigners. We enjoyed a fine panorama of Jaipur from Tiger Fort, where some local youths were drinking beer and playing loud Western pop music; we were jealous that we weren’t as hardcore as them. Elsewhere in the fort were monkeys, lots of them, and thankfully they didn’t rip our faces off or steal our belongings.

On the driver’s suggestion we took a small ride to the Cobra Fort, with another delightful view and a big sort of well thing. It had interesting echo capabilities and the water in the bottom was clearly home to some unseen life. Will and Josh did a climb on one side.

Day 41 – It Ok My Friend No Problem

Instead of writing about what we didn’t do today; a short story about Subway: Indian style.

When we were in Delhi airport between flights on the way here, Kieran spotted among the smattering of food places a Subway, or rather a Subway sign. Without really stopping to check the place out, he asked for a toasted cheese melt and a coke. However they were unable to cook sandwiches at this Subway and the drinks machine either wasn’t working or had never worked and was simply for show. Alarm bells should have been ringing but Kieran merely ordered a plain sandwich.

Squirt, squirt, and squirt went the bottle as the man behind the counter gleefully shot several gallons worth of mayonnaise onto Kieran’s sandwich. “This enough?” he asked “Yeah thats fine” Kieran replied, secretly thinking it far too much. However the man briefly continued, as if to make sure he’d put enough in to match the bread content. He then flipped the sandwich and squirted the same amount on the other side, as Kieran watched in horror. Accepting his ‘sandwich,’ Kieran eyeballed the breaded treat, watching thick globs of mayonnaise poking out of each side. Taking his first bite he confirmed that it tasted ‘like mayonnaise,’ in fact it was all he could taste. Each bite sent thick balls of mayonnaise spilling out of every side and corner.

[It can be observed that the Subway itself was highly questionable, pointing to the fact that the 'walls' were in fact pieces of cardboard with a brick pattern printed on them.]

Day 40 – And You Call Them Steamed Hams Despite Them Being Obviously Grilled

Having accomplished so much yesterday, we felt it was only right we took a break.

Alphamale69 took to the forums and demonstrated his superior masculinity over the nerds at Anilinkz.com, pointing to his considerable and undeniable girth.

Below is an allegorical depiction of events, where Will plays Alphamale69 and Intestine Cat plays the freshly burnt nerds.

Day 39 – One Thing I Should…

Below is a fantastic picture of the Taj Mahal, which we didn’t visit today. We also didn’t climb Everest, see the great wall, catch a plane to Okinawa, wander the temples of Kyoto, or follow the Silk Road for any considerable distance. Basically we didn’t leave our room because in the words of one reporter, “It’s so goddam hot.”

We did, however, find a lizard in the bathroom.

Day 38 – Yet Another Roasting Day

Today we had an Indian breakfast of chapati and yoghurt at Jeweller’s house. A hungover Euan stayed in the room. On the plus side it meant we didn’t have to listen to Canon or Fireflies. We bid farewell to Usef who is leaving town, and spent the rest of the day hanging around and watching football. The Gurren-Lagann figures and Intestine Cat are also well.

Day 37 – Jewels

Today we went for lunch with Usef and his friend, out in the scenic mountains. The food was fantastic but did include goat brain.

Usef later went to an Indian jewellery store where Kieran and Josh were convinced to make some purchases. On the way home we had Indian-style ice cream, which has strange noodley bits in.

Later that evening we drank and watched football with some Indian tour guides, and listened to them joke about the misery of married life and show us a few drinking games. A very drunk Euan was the target of a few tricks, and after a while we staggered home.

Day 36 – Indian Wedding

Today Josh went out to get some crisps and ran into a friendly Indian chap. Josh expressed our desire to visit some of Jaipur’s sites and he pledged to take us in his rickshaw. When he heard that Euan was Japanese, he began exclaiming Japanese words, such as GENKI and KAWAII, which we’d missed.

This ‘Usef’ took us to visit a quiet local temple (for which we were very underdressed) and then to a water temple. We moved on to Amber Palace, featuring tall walls and large courtyards. We poked around, constantly being approached by locals wanting a handshake or a photo with us. Josh showed interest in a hassling salesman selling some pictures and was therefore followed by him for as long as was possible for the persistent merchant. Eventually he bought some, feeling practically forced to as the man wouldn’t take his book back. Josh and Will charmed a cobra, and then met Usef back at the base for lunch.

He took us to a decent restaurant nearby where we knocked back a few beers (upon his insistence). He told us he ‘felt like we were good people’ and invited us to a family wedding that evening. However, this conveniently meant we would need nice clothes, so he took us to his friend’s textile factory nearby where we got some discount Indian silkwork.

Unfortunately our fancy clothes didn’t arrive in time for the wedding, so with the exception of Kieran we made do with our own. We got merry with Usef at the bar and then went to the wedding. We didn’t see much of the happy couples (this was two weddings in one) but we wandered around the party being introduced to about six people a second, eating nice Indian food, and being shown Usef’s home and family. We also danced wildly with locals to the drums. Usef then gave us a ride home.